Trusting

I sit here in front of my laptop with a blog post that is very close to my heart, that I want to post, but I'm having trouble figuring out where to start... It's kind of embarrassing for me. I sit here, a twenty-two year old Christian woman, intelligent, caring, loving, pretty, but I've never had a boyfriend, never been kissed. And it's something that I desire very strongly, not just to have a boyfriend, but to have a guy who cares about me, thinks I'm beautiful, love me, gives me hugs, and that I can love and hug and care about and think is beautiful in return.

It's a very hard and embarrassing thing for me to admit, to anyone. When I admitted to a girl in my small group I'd never had a boyfriend she asked why. "Because no one's ever asked." Awkward. And sad. When I meet people it's always an awkward subject. When I traveled to Europe last year, it was very difficult sitting around with a bunch of girls, most of whom were in very serious relationships. I always felt so awkward not talking or joining in the conversations, but a lot of them revolved around their boyfriends. Once we were out to eat and going around saying the weirdest place that we'd ever made out. I wasn't very close to most of the girls yet and couldn't stand saying I'd never kissed a guy, so a few people before it was my turn I excused myself to the bathroom and missed my turn. After a few similar episodes I opened up to the two girls I was closest to and told them and that I was embarrassed about it. They were very sweet, but it's still awkward. Everyone's always very sweet and tells me it will happen, which is kind but not helpful.

In high school, I had a big group of girlfriends and only one of us had a serious boyfriend. We all hung out with each other. We had crushes, but most of the boys at our high school we didn't want to date and the ones we did were usually taken. We were generally shy and smart and had other ways to occupy our time. Plus I was always reassured that Momma didn't date in high school and she got married before she was 25, so this gave me hope!

Then I entered college and most of my friends still didn't have boyfriends. I read in an article that Carrie Underwood never dated until college so I told myself, she was pretty, smart and talented, so since she didn't date until she was in college it was OK. In college I had a smaller collection of friends, all girls. Being an Elementary Education student with an emphasis on English, plus being in the Honors College I was lucky if there were five guys in any of my classes... Not much opportunity to meet anyone. Plus the Bible Studies I attended were always separated by genders. I went on an all-girls Spring Break trip and lived far away from the males in our group in the Netherlands.

The hardest times for me are when people close to me get their first boyfriend and it just reminds me that I never have. When Lil Sis got her first boyfriend a couple of years ago, I was of course happy for her (love her bf!) but crushed that my little sister had gotten a boyfriend before I did. Then this past year one of my very best friends got her first boyfriend. While I was on the phone with her I sounded very happy, but as soon as I got home I bawled. I think my mom thought someone had died. But, Momma gave me a hug and patted my hair and told me that I was smart, and kind and pretty and any guy would be lucky to have me, which I know, but it doesn't make it feel any better.

Whenever I'm feeling down about it, I try and remember that God has a plan for my life and when a guy is a part of that plan, he'll show up. But it's still hard. I do trust that God had a plan for me and that he loves me unconditionally, but I still desire feeling that love and compassion from a boyfriend/husband. For awhile I always tried to push down my feelings of disappointment and desire for a man in my life and would tell myself not to cry or feel down, God has a plan.

Then one night we talked about something at Small Group or I read something in The Bible and I realized that I don't have to hide my sadness or desires for a man to love me from God. He already knows them and he created me to feel deeply and have strong emotions. He's the one I should be going to when I'm sad and by sharing my sadness, he'll take some of it away. Never having had a boyfriend hurts and I know that God wants to ease my pain, which won't happen if I keep it shut up inside, I have to be vulnerable and open myself up to him and his love and grace. So I've decided that it's OK to cry and be sad and wish I had a guy to share my life with sometimes, that God will stick with me. It doesn't mean that I don't trust in God's plan for my life or want to follow God's plan, it just means that I'm human and that I feel things and that I trust that God will love me no matter what, even if I can't wait patiently or I turn to Him with a troubled heart or crying eyes. He'll stick with me through it all.

So it still bothers me when kids at work as if I am married or if I've ever been on a date. (Today I deflected that one... I'm even embarrassed if seven year olds know I've never been on a date.) It annoys me when Momma tries to set me up with anyone and everyone (Lil Sis's boss, the guy who works at the library, a guy sitting by himself at the Tigers game) because I know she does it because she knows it's what I want. I might still cry when the last of my close friends gets a boyfriend, but I trust that God will make it happen on his time, no matter who many tears I shed or how many times I wish I had a date to take to a wedding. God's will, not mine, but above all God's love!